Earlier today my wife suggested we take some time of work and go somewhere. My response was "What's the point?"
The bit I didn't say, the bit that my brain did in the split second before I responded was:
"Somewhere". Where is "Somewhere"? What does "Somewhere" have to offer that "Here" (lovely, comfortable, calming "Here"™) does not? I don't get it. I don't get what anyone can get out of somewhere else. I am feeling OK right now, and I am well within my comfort zone - and now she wants me to leave that comfort zone? I haven't thought about leaving my comfort zone for ages. Why would I leave my comfort zone? It's nice here. Outside of here is probably just the same stuff anyway. It's not like I haven't seen "things" before. There isn't particularly anything that I want to see elsewhere that I can't just look up on the internet. What could I possibly get out of that? So I guess what we're trying to get to here is...
"...What's the point?"
This immediate response did not go down well. Rightly so. She's already having a shitty day at work. I know she's having a shitty day at work. And yet... I can't even pretend to be even partly enthusiastic about something that, on reflection, would take her mind off of her shitty day at work... and. Fuck. That's the point.
It took us an hour or so, but we're talking normally again and the tension has lifted. Importantly, I've apologised for how I responded.
Alright. What was the point of this post?
My wife asked me something during the tension that followed. "Do you think that maybe you're depressed?"
It's not the first time someone has asked me something like that, and it's certainly something I've asked myself from time to time. I don't know the answer, I don't know if I want to know the answer. We left it there and I went off to read about depression on the internet.
I started writing this post as a way to unpack. And as I wrote, my thoughts became more ordered - and I was able to look at the tension in the third person.
There may be a small amount of truth in the depression angle, but that's not why we fell out. We fell out because I put my feelings before hers.
So, there was no point to this post?
For you, dear reader, maybe not. For me - it was cathartic. A bit of typing, and some further conversation - and maybe I'm even prepared to admit that going "Somewhere" isn't always pointless. It took looking at photos of us being smiley together in different places to realise that. (Yes. Sometimes I smile.)